Getting in the way of myself

Yesterday afternoon my husband took the time to have lunch with me before he left for Dallas.  It was nice to spend time in the middle of an afternoon.  That rarely happens.  We were discussing some of the things that need to be done around the house and when we would get those scheduled.

I said that I would try and look up a couple of plumbers on Angie's List and call to see what I thought of them.  I would try and get that done by the end of the week.  My husband then looked at me and said, "What do you have going on this week?"

I shot daggers out of my eyes.  I said, "I have a busy week with some client appointments and other appointments I need to keep."  My tone wasn't any better than the "death eyes" I was giving him.  He got upset and said he was just trying to understand what my week looked like.

I took it as a condemnation right out of the gate.  I felt like he was questioning whether I was busy enough or not.  I thought he was implying that I led this life of leisure.  I was getting in the way of myself.

It wasn't him condemning me....it was me.  During this process I have felt like what I'm doing isn't real.  If I'm not making money then there isn't any value in what I am doing.  I wonder if I am doing the right thing by spending all this time reflecting and growing.

Intellectually, I'm sure that I am doing what is best for myself and my family...in the long run.  But, emotionally I feel a little lost.  I am committed to doing something that helps me expand and grow daily.  I am taking care of myself.  I am learning what is most important to me.  I do think these things all make me a better person.  One who is able to be present in my life and the lives of my husband and boys.

But...and there seems to always be a "but"...I am not used to not making money.  I feel like I should have tangible accomplishments to show at the end of each day.  My mind keeps flying back to, "how can this be a career and make me money?"  I think there is really a lesson here.  I did not put anything about identity or income on my list of values.

I value accomplishment.  That is true and I should have been more aware of that.  For some reason it didn't feel altruistic enough.  But, if it looks pretty on the list or not...it is true.  I also value money that I have earned on my own.  This represents freedom for me and it also is a tangible measure of accomplishment (professional).  There is a sense of relief that I finally recognized the value of these things.

So to summarize, if something keeps coming up, there is probably value in whatever it is.  If something keeps bothering you, step back from what it is, articulate the feelings, break it apart and see if there is something else going on and act on the newly found information.