Oops...I got lost

It's been two months since the last time I posted.  Finding myself before dinner went by the wayside when life got insane.  About the time that I was headed out of town for an extended period, we had water damage in our house.  We had to move into a hotel with two dogs and two teenage boys.  For a month we were in flux.  We finally got back into our house, got most everything unpacked and we got robbed.  Just on the heels of dealing with that we had a barrage of company (that part I enjoyed).  But, it made me take note of something.

Women have put themselves on the back burner forever.  We take care of everything and everyone else before we look at ourselves and say, "what do you need today?"  Is that just how we are programmed?  Is it necessary for us to take that role so that life continues as we know it?  What is wrong with taking an hour or two a day just for ourselves?

Well, in my house that would mean that dinner was eaten out (not good on the waistline), clothes would be dirty, contractors would be unattended, the dogs would never be walked....the list goes on and on.  Some of these things could probably wait until the next day, but then wouldn't everything start to compound and pile up to become unmanageable?  I mean, if you go to an office and choose not to do the work necessary to meet deadlines, wouldn't you eventually be fired?

The thing about being a woman, a caretaker, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend is that there are no set hours.  Our jobs begin the moment our feet hit the floor and don't end until we crawl under the covers.  I would love to say to my family and friends that my hours are 9am-8pm.  I will get as much done during those hours as possible.  If I cannot consistently get these things done, then maybe we need to look at adding staff.

Hmmm....that might not be a reasonable expectation.  I mean, we aren't the Rockefellers.  But, maybe our lives are too full.  Maybe we have to simplify and trim the fat.  I think that is what I will explore over the next few weeks.

Strength of Conviction

I'm just dying to get into a routine again.  I was out of town for 16 days and came back just in time to do a couple of loads of laundry before repacking to move out of our house for the next 2 weeks.  In the middle of everything I got a bit of a cold which has settled into my lungs.

The coughing woke me up around 5am which was fine because I had to be at the tile store by 7:30.  I rushed around making sure that I had all of my toiletries, the dogs dishes, the kitchen things we would need for the next two weeks and my clothes.  Got all of that out to the garage to load up.  Got the dogs together for doggie daycare.  Left the house and remembered I didn't have enough gas to get more than to the corner.  Stepped out of my car to pump the gas and realized I was still wearing house shoes.  That should have been a good indication of how this morning was going to go.

At every stop light I grabbed my iPad, opening the AroundMe app, to find coffee.  There wasn't one place between doggie daycare and the tile place.  But, I pulled into the tile showroom at 7:30am.  I was pretty proud of myself since I'm not a morning person.  Went in and was informed that I needed to go to their sister company to choose travertine.  Uhhhh, what?!!  That's where I was sent the last time to no avail.  Now, I'm just running in circles in a city that I don't know a whole lot about.

Dagnabit....I just need a Starbuck's to help me get through this morning.  I decide that I need to call the insurance company and find another vendor to help me.  This one is making me do all the work!!  I called, told them the situation and asked to be provided with another preferred vendor.  I was nice, there wasn't any reason to be ugly to the person on the phone.  He was extremely helpful and called our general contractor right away.

What does all this have to do with finding myself?  A lot...for those of you that know me you may be surprised to discover that I don't always ask for what I want.  I worry about people liking me and whether they will think I'm a bitch.  While not asking for what I want I still am pretty decisive.  And, by being decisive I often rush decisions that I later wish I hadn't made.  This time was different.

I was being pushed fairly hard to make choices on tile quickly before I left town almost 3 weeks ago.  The morning that I was supposed to leave I ran out and picked up 5 more tile samples.  I narrowed it down to two that were the closest.  The one thing that I noticed that wouldn't look right is the step into our shower.  If that didn't get replaced too then it would never look quite right.  I sent an email saying just that.  I got push back.

Back and forth we went until I said vey firmly to stop all work.  I sent a new timeline that had me back int town before anything moved forward.  That meant canceling numerous contractors, rescheduling all of the work and moving into an entirely new month (that's important for invoicing).  I was so proud of myself for saying what I wanted and sticking to my guns.

The work was supposed to commence this morning but I still don't have a tile that matches.  When I called the insurance company to let them know I wasn't happy with their premier service partner they said this could extend the length of time that the work took.  I would usually give in at this point.  I wouldn't want so many people inconvenienced and us displaced for that long.  But, I stuck to my guns and said that was okay.  I want this done right.

I haven't figured out what the catalyst was to make me feel stronger about asking for what I want.  I still am a little uncomfortable that people will think I'm a bitch.  But, I feel good about taking a step back and thinking more before making a decision and then sticking with it.  That is definitely a step toward finding myself.

Household CEO Indeed

I'm not sure how we managed before.  I guess there were a lot of things that we just didn't do in the past.  Since we moved to Charlotte I have spend every day managing our house, running errands and generally managing things for everyone else.  If you've been reading this, you know that I am having an identity crisis because I don't have a "job".

So, thinking that I have all this time on my hands, since I don't have to show up at an office at 8am, I decide to take this journey to find out what is missing.  I keep planning to do things every day and at the end of the day they didn't get done.  All of a sudden I was beating myself up because I was letting time slip away from me.  Without a place to go to do my own thing...it just doesn't get done.  I needed structure...I needed to see in black and white (okay green, orange, purple and red) where I spent my time.

I opened the iCal on my Mac (which I've never used) and started time blocking.  An hour in the morning for exercise, two hours for taxes, an hour to take the dogs to the vet, thirty minutes for a kennel evaluation, thirty minutes for the tree guy, an hour to find contractors to fix the other things that are going wrong in the house, four hours to go to the home show and get ideas for the outdoor space we want to build and an hour for the grocery store.  Each day looks something like this and each day is FULL!

Uh oh, though, I didn't put on the schedule the hour it takes to get ready in the morning, or the time that it takes to make the beds, unload the dishwasher and throw in a load of clothes.  Uh oh, I need to call my mother and see how she is doing...she had a little procedure early this week.  That will take an hour because we never have short conversations.  As long as I am at it I should check on Mark's mother.  I haven't talked to her in awhile and I know she is lonely.  Oops, just got an email from our realtor who is trying to help us resolve some issues.  She asked me to call her.  All of those "off calendar" things added up to another 3 hours.

Okay, so it is a 14 hour day to run this household.  That is just an example of one day but they all seem to be going this way.  As you can see, I didn't even put time to eat, breathe or take care of anything else personal!  That adds another hour to my day all together.

Our lives must have been much simpler in the past.  We didn't have 8 hours a week of kid's ballgames.  Mark's job was demanding but nothing like it is today.  I'm working on making our lives run smoother.  But, in the meantime I wonder where I can pencil in "finding myself".  I also, look at this list and wonder if I have started "finding myself" without even realizing it!!