Just do it!

The idea of a bucket list isn't foreign to most people.  Many have made lists of things they would like to do in their lifetime.  There was a movie dedicated to living out a bucket list.  Even if it isn't written down, almost everyone has those things that they hope to have the chance to experience.

Your list may lean toward travel or adventure.  Others may have a list of things they would like to learn.  The truth is that a bucket list is extremely personal.  I made mine when I was in college.  Which means that I didn't take into consideration my family, where I would live or my income.  I just wanted to do these things at some point in my life.

For a few years, after college, I tried to do at least one thing on my list a year (my list is rather long with about 150 items).  I went skydiving, rode in a helicopter, got my motorcycle license, went scuba diving and got married.  Then, of course, life got in the way.  I moved a few times and couldn't find my list.  Then, it would surface again and I would read it over thinking, "I need to do something again."

My list is again missing after a recent move.  But, I can't get it off my mind.  Last weekend I took an incredibly impulsive trip to New York with a girlfriend.  I had read about an exhibit that I really wanted to see.  I mentioned it to a friend of mine and she said she would go.  Her fiancee suggested that we use his points for one night in the hotel and Mark's for another.  We found a weekend that worked and booked the trip.  We were in New York in less than 3 weeks after deciding to go.  The only thing we had planned was the exhibit.  The rest we just went with the flow and had the time of our lives!

I've been over analyzing things for so long.  I have things on my list I could start working on today.  My copy of War and Peace is upstairs, I want to learn Chinese, I want to read the Bible from cover to cover,  I want to learn more about professional sports, I want to learn more about classical music.  The list is full of things that I want to learn.  These don't cost me anything and I have time.  So why haven't I done any of these?   I just haven't.

But that stops today.  I might start something and decide that I really don't want to do it...and that is okay.  But at least I will have started and made an adult decision.  So, no thinking...Just do it!!

Who am I?

So I begin this journey with the thought that making time to do something for me, practicing yoga, meditation, visualization, yadda yadda yadda would be the way to go.  But, yesterday as I am trying to organize my thoughts around this idea I kept getting noise.

You know what I mean....when you start to focus on something and you get a hundred ideas rushing into your head.  It's like you meant to turn the faucet on to get a nice steady stream, nothing to strong so that it doesn't splash and make a mess everywhere, and instead you get a gusher.  I didn't have focus, my mind was racing and I was exhausted by dinner.  I was actually too tired to eat.

Frustrated because I thought this process would be energizing I just went to bed.  When I woke up this morning I was still tired.  I laid there thinking maybe I bit off more than I can chew.  Maybe this quest is too big for me for where I am right now.  Depressed I started to wonder when would be the right time.

That question led me to ask, "When was the time in my life that I felt my best?  When did I feel like I was doing what I should be doing and I was where I should be?"  Of course, there isn't one easy answer to these questions.  There are different times in my life that I was in a good place for different reasons.  So I refined the question a little.

I asked myself, "When was I the most comfortable in my skin?"  Bingo, that's the question.  There have been a lot of times that were good for different reasons but that weren't necessarily comfortable.  A couple of things instantly came to mind.

Situations where I have made a significant contribution and been recognized for my efforts.  All right, you might not agree that recognition is important; but I do know that about myself.  You take enough of these personality tests (Myers-Briggs, DISC) and you discover things about yourself that are true even if they aren't flattering.  I need pats on the back.

The other thought that comes to mind instantly is when I have a very close group of friends that feel like family.  Because I have moved so much I find myself starting this process over and over all the time.  We just left St. Louis where I have a wonderful group of friends.  We were in and out of each others homes, businesses and lives every day.  So small, close groups....check!

So the noise starts to subside a little.  That leaves me to figure out how this applies to my journey.  I'm sure it's meaningful, but how?  At least there is some progress.  Hallelujah!!

What does "finding myself" mean?

I think the term "finding myself" is strange.  I'm not really lost...at least not geographically.  But, if our spirit has a landscape then I think this time in my life would be described as driving without a map or gps.  I've got choices for transportation or moving but which way do I go?

If I really think about it that is exactly how I feel.  Nothing looks real familiar.  I have some vague idea that I'm supposed to be going a certain way.  Then I turn to head in that direction and uncertainty strikes.  I'm back in that place where I'm afraid to move because I could get further away from where I'm suppose to be if I'm on the wrong path.

So, I guess I would describe "finding myself" as a process.  There must be a map somewhere.  I've got to figure out what the destination is suppose to be.  There are signs.  If I'm really still and carefully look at what is in front of me the path will start to reveal itself.

In the movie, Eat Love Pray, Julia Roberts (who plays Liz Gilbert) turns to meditation.  It doesn't seem to be easy.  She resists, she fidgets and she escapes in just minutes after she enters the meditation room.  I've never really understood meditation.  I've always felt just like that character.  But, when I think of stillness, I think of meditation.  Of letting my mind become open and free to let my spirit take charge.

Sounds like I have a clue.  Ha, I've read the books and watched films.  I don't get it.  I'm going to have to find a way to be still.  Books and films clearly aren't the path for enlightenment for me.

I think I will start with a plan to figure out a plan tomorrow!