What is your core story?

I believe that fear is the number one thing that keeps us from doing things we dream about.  I've come to this conclusion for a couple of reasons.  I know that I am smart and capable.  When I decide that I want something I can generally make it happen.  I also know that I am not doing what I was meant to be doing in this life.  Taking these things into consideration made me search for the "why" of the situation.  I discovered that fear is what holds me back from just leaping.

You may recall that I touched on this briefly the other day.  I said that I had bought a book about being fearless.  Then I bought another book about fear.  I really want to understand what makes us afraid and how to overcome the fear to achieve great things.  The Solution by Lucinda Bassett, tells us to start by writing our core story.

Our core story are the events, the feelings, the interpersonal communications that occurred early in our lives.  These are the things that we can look back at and say that they shaped who we are today.  This story is deeply personal.  I will tell you that when I began this exercise I wrote down some things that I haven't thought about in years.  I won't share my whole core story with you.  I'm not even sure that I have written the whole story yet.  But, I will give you an example.

For those of you who knew me in high school, you will get a kick out of this.  Jimmy Lipsey (yes, it was painful enough to remember his name all these years) was in my homeroom class.  He wasn't a friend but we were friendly.  One day I wore a dress to school, which I had never done before, and while in homeroom Jimmy said to anyone who would listen, "look at those legs...they look like fat little sausages."  I didn't wear a dress any more often than I had to for years.  But, that isn't even the point.

I love fashion.  I love the artistic quality of clothing.  I love how clothes enhance and drape bodies.  I love textures, color and fluidity of fabrics.  I can actually sew and I have a great eye for what will flatter most.  Sounds like someone who should be a fashion designer, right?  But, here is where part of my core story comes into play.  You would expect the incident above to ruin my day, but what about my dream? Part of my story has been that someone with sausage legs could never be a designer.  Someone built like me would be laughed out of the fashion designer club.  The story goes on and on.  It may sound silly to you reading this.  So, I challenge you to look at your own story.

Can you pinpoint something that had an impact so great on you that it has caused you to fear someone laughing at you, someone not liking you, looking stupid, etc.?  Can you begin to tell your core story?

NOTE:  Just for the record...Jimmy Lipsey was a stupid, high school boy.  He said a mean thing, but I own the story.  I have the power to rewrite and in no way hold him accountable for my fear!

Fear

We all know the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."  I think that sentiment is what is making me a little panicked as I sit down to do my assignment from my coach this week.  She told me that I had to go take a class or two.  Pick something that I am interested in and sign up for it.

How exciting....go learn something new!!  I got online and started searching out classes for things I've always wanted to learn more about.  I found quite a few that work for me date wise and sounded interesting.  There is Food and Wine Pairing, Motorcycle Skills for Women, Photography, Designer Cupcakes.  It all sounds like so much fun.

But, I haven't signed up for any.  Why?  I'm a little nervous.  This is so unlike me.  I love learning new things.  But, I'm scared.  I feel like it is my first day in a new high school.

I'm worried about being the oldest one in the class, not knowing anyone, not being good at it or not really enjoying the topic after all.  Hmmm...this worry about innocuous things is not normal for me.  What has happened to that fire I've always had for learning?

Honestly, I can't seem to put my finger on what is holding me back.  I've given this a lot of thought and nothing seems to be surfacing that I can recognize and resolve.  My best guess is that it is all rooted in fear.

Fear is a powerful thing.  It can keep us from doing just about anything.  I don't like this feeling of being paralyzed...of not being able to jump in with both feet and enjoy everything.  There have been times in my life that I experienced fear, but, this time I won't let it get me.

First and foremost I am a reader.  I read constantly and usually have more than one book at a time going. So, this morning I downloaded Max Lucado's, Fearless.  After just reading a few pages I am seeing that it is going to resonate with me.  If you are feeling fear over something, I invite you to read along too.

Does it matter what color my parachute is if it doesn't open?

There are shelves and shelves of books in the bookstores relating to following your passion.  They tell you to do what you love and the money will follow.  They say that it shouldn't feel like a job if you are following your dreams.  They want to help you find the color of your parachute.

Okay, passion...check.  Do what I love...check.  Somehow though it still feels like a job.  I'm sure that my parachute is at least in the right color family.  Maybe it is even the right color.  I mean, I've done all the tests, I've listed all my skills and talents, I've chosen passion over money and yet here I am having mini-meltdowns in the middle of my office.  My parachute doesn't seem to be opening!!

The one thing that all of these career books don't tell you is that there are others on-board.  Yep, your parachute is full of clingers and if you all aren't in sync they can keep your parachute from opening.  Discontent employees, snarky bosses, limited tools...these are just some examples of the things weighing down my dream job.  And, that matters!

Yesterday, as I had my one hour session with my Coach (which she generally stretches to two hours....should I be worried) we were discussing this quest for self-discovery.  Clearly, working with a coach I have managed to discover the color of my parachute.  And when my husband and I made the move to the Carolinas I took a job that utilized my particular talents.  I have owned my own business for years but this seemed like a chance to do what I love without all of the headaches of being in charge.  Wrong!  So, now what?

It isn't easy to walk away from a job in this employment market.  We are all trying to make ends meet.  So, quitting a paying job that has the kind of flexibility that this one has seems downright irresponsible.  But, if I am slowly plummeting with a defective parachute...shouldn't I do something about it?

That's why I love having a Coach.  She pushes me and makes me answer the tough questions.  She makes me say out-loud what is stopping me from making a change right now.  She asks me how I am ever going to find myself if I am busy having mini-meltdowns.  She gives me homework.

1.  Identify what fear is keeping me from quitting this job.  And, yes, fear is what generally keeps us from doing what we want to do.

2.  Visualize what I want my day to day life to look like.  I'm good at the grandiose end-result, glorious fame type of visualization, but I have a tendency to overlook the meat of the journey.

3.  Get more clear about what this journey/quest really means.  How do I plan to make this part of my identity (important for me but not necessary for everyone)?  What is it that I intend to gain from this exercise?

Good questions and even though it is just three, they are heavy.  And, she expects answers!

Note:  Find more information about my Coach on my Links page.