Making a Living vs. Making a Life

As many of you know I have been struggling with my identity during this journey.  Since I don't make money at the moment I wonder what my personal value is.  I posted the other day that accomplishment is of great value to me.  I measure accomplishment by the amount of money that I get paid.

Right or wrong, I have been in the workforce for a long time and as my salary increased I felt more accomplished.  So, I am programmed that way.  A girlfriend, who is reading along, suggested the book Becoming a Chief Home Officer.  That made me take a deep breath because the anxiety of being "at home" is overwhelming.

Luckily, today my coach agreed to meet with me even though it wasn't our scheduled time.  I expressed this feeling of chaos and anxiety over not having accomplishments.  She listened and kept asking me what I wanted out of this journey.  She keeps asking that question!!

She specifically asked me whether I was wanting to find the thing that would turn into my career or was I trying to figure out something else?  I said I thought it was something else.  So she asked me if I wanted to figure out what I lost when making all of these compromises in my life or did I want to have new experiences?  At first I said I thought I wanted to figure out what I lost.  The next question was when I found the pieces that were lost along the way, would I feel satisfied and would it lead me to the "accomplishment" that I keep looking for?  Ugh!!

The questions go on and on.  That is her job :)  We finally got down to this:

• I am interested in a lot of different things.  
• It doesn't matter if I try something new and it doesn't end up being a life-long career.
• I will take something away from any new experience. 
• I may find a passion that I was not aware of.
• I might find the pieces I think I'm missing while having new experiences.
• My skills and talents may expand.
• I will be able to satisfy my need for connecting with people by having new experiences.
• Accomplishment is not about money (BIG, HUGE...almost buying it revelation).

The point of this is that I have been making a living for a long time.  I have shifted into making a life instead.  

Step 2

I would love to say that this step is about visualizing what I want in my life.  The problem with that is that I don't know what I want.  I can come closer to saying what I don't want than what I want.  That's the problem.

I believe in manifestation of our dreams.  I don't buy into the whole theory of "The Secret" where you open a catalogue of the universe and order up what you want.  I think it is more complex than that.  In addition to knowing what you want and being able to "order" it, I think you must act "as if".  For example, if you say, "I'm an actress", but you never audition for parts...it probably isn't true.  Sophia Coppola isn't going to ring your doorbell and tell you that you are the best person for a part in her next movie.  No, if you say you are an actress then you go to auditions, acting classes, read the rags, get an agent, etc.  You do the things that actresses do.  Then you are on your way.

But, in addition to "acting as if", I think there are other factors.  You always hear the term, "Karma is a bitch."  Well, if you lie, cheat and steal to manifest your dream, it probably won't turn out like you hoped.  Don't you think we were put here to be the best person we can be?  To serve a purpose?

Purpose...yea, that would be the core of "who I am."  So visualization will have to wait for another step while I figure out purpose.  My coach and I touched on this not too long ago.  But, in usual fashion I was impatient to get to the "doing" stage.  I've always been so driven to "be" somebody that I haven't given myself the chance to really explore what my skills and talents are.

So, Step 2, is to make a comprehensive list of skills and talents.  Blow them out with lots of detail.  Give them qualitative and quantitative measures.  Do you love to do something?  Are you an expert at something?  Do you have extreme depth of knowledge about something?  And, don't forget to add those less tangible talents.  I believe that listening, loving and nurturing are critical to society.  If you are really good at that...put it down.

I hope you will join me in this step.  I think it will be fun and eye opening.  If you have trouble, ask someone close to you to help you identify your strengths.  Sometimes it is easier for them to see you than it is for you to see you.

Getting a Plan

An interesting thing happens when you start to say out loud what you are doing.  As I was explaining to my Coach, Lisa Dalton, about this huge epiphany and what it meant to me, I was uncomfortable.  Now, Lisa is an open minded, easy-going woman who never judges.  So, she pressed me on my discomfort.

I wanted desperately to be able to put a plan together...because I am the queen of project plans.  I want to have tasks to do so that I know if I am on track.  I wanted to define what I am doing.  I wanted to be able to put an elevator speech together that didn't sound like I was having a mid-life crisis.  I wanted to "package" my journey.  As a matter of fact, I told her the words "journey" and "quest" make me a little uneasy.  She still pressed.

"Why do you need to define this?  What do you care what people think?"

Fair questions, but it isn't about what other people think.  It is about my own judgement.  Every time I do some kind of DISC or Myers Briggs profiles I come out with a high level of drive, determination.  Things that are important to me are power, acknowledgement, leadership.  You get the picture.  I'm more the mind-set of a CEO not a flower child.

Now don't be offended if you are on a similar journey.  I really don't think this is a flower child type of exercise.  I do believe that it is a growth exercise and these are my own hurdles.  But, when I say it out loud I feel like I'm not being authentic.

So she pressed.  Then why am I doing this?  What is the point if it is not who I am.  Well, there is the $60,000 question.  The "who I am" part.  I don't think that I have done a good job of explaining what I want out of this.  So, I think there is a certain amount of "packaging" that must happen.  I can do yoga, meditate, read books, become vegan...but that's the movie (Eat Love Pray) not my life.

With all this in mind I will start to do some planning.  I have given myself permission to be on this journey for 365 days.  If I have some small goals along the way then it will feel more authentic.  I'll keep you posted and hope you will join me on your own journey.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I've always admired those people who always knew what they wanted to be when they grew up.  When they were children they said, "I'm gonna be a....doctor/nurse, teacher, mom, pilot, etc."  They never said, "I want to be..."  They said it as a definitive.  I know a lot of those people who became exactly what they said they would.

In contrast, I didn't have a definite.  I was going to be a ballerina (too short and stout), an actress, president, etc.  Always something in the limelight.  But, by the time I was in my teens I thought I would be a writer.  I always had somewhere in my mind that I had something to say.  At the time, I was reading Danielle Steele novels.  Go ahead and laugh, but they swept me away to a world of raw lust and deep, unabated love.  It was a fantasy, an escape that I imagined someday I might create for others.  Did you hear that vague, doubtful sentence?

I believe that is the difference in the people who go on to do what they dream of doing and the people who pin-ball around trying to figure out what they should be doing.  Vague versus visual...yup visualizing may be the key.  Of course as kids, we didn't know what that meant.  But, don't you think someone like Lebron James visualized himself as a professional basketball player.  He probably saw himself on the court in a giant arena.  He could probably tell you what it felt like for the thousands of fans to cheer for him.  He probably said, "I'm gonna play in the NBA."  I imagine he saw all of that in his mind, was clear that was what he wanted and then set about doing what was possible to make it happen.

Yea, don't think I meant you could kick back in a comfy chair and imagine yourself as president then the Secret Service would knock on your door and pick you up to take you to your office.  Don't be ridiculous.  The visualization step is the one that kicks off the rest.  You see it...feel it...believe it and then work on getting there.  You may have heard people say, "Act as if...."  You know, act as if it is a given that you are going to become a...fill in the blank.  Again, sounds easy.  It's not.  If it were we would all be exactly what we want to be.

That kind of brings me full circle to what my Coach and I were talking about the other day.  I want to "package" this journey.  I want to be able to tell people...this is what I am doing.  I want a business card. So shoot me, I know that isn't very woowoo of me.  I'm suppose to be on what sounds like a spiritual quest and I want a business card?!!  Yea, that's who I am.  Someone who needs an identity.  But, then it hit me.  It is about more than that.

I want to know what to do when I grow up?  I want to "act as if..."?  (With this next sentence my phone will ring and my coach will tell me....told you so).  Then I need to embrace where I am, own it, put a damn label on it and make a business card.  Then, and only then will I really be on the path.  So far I've been pussy-footing around at the head of the path.  Take the journey already!!  See it, feel it, believe it and get my ass in gear!

So, tell me can you visualize your purpose?  Are you already on your path?  I really want to know!

Does it matter what color my parachute is if it doesn't open?

There are shelves and shelves of books in the bookstores relating to following your passion.  They tell you to do what you love and the money will follow.  They say that it shouldn't feel like a job if you are following your dreams.  They want to help you find the color of your parachute.

Okay, passion...check.  Do what I love...check.  Somehow though it still feels like a job.  I'm sure that my parachute is at least in the right color family.  Maybe it is even the right color.  I mean, I've done all the tests, I've listed all my skills and talents, I've chosen passion over money and yet here I am having mini-meltdowns in the middle of my office.  My parachute doesn't seem to be opening!!

The one thing that all of these career books don't tell you is that there are others on-board.  Yep, your parachute is full of clingers and if you all aren't in sync they can keep your parachute from opening.  Discontent employees, snarky bosses, limited tools...these are just some examples of the things weighing down my dream job.  And, that matters!

Yesterday, as I had my one hour session with my Coach (which she generally stretches to two hours....should I be worried) we were discussing this quest for self-discovery.  Clearly, working with a coach I have managed to discover the color of my parachute.  And when my husband and I made the move to the Carolinas I took a job that utilized my particular talents.  I have owned my own business for years but this seemed like a chance to do what I love without all of the headaches of being in charge.  Wrong!  So, now what?

It isn't easy to walk away from a job in this employment market.  We are all trying to make ends meet.  So, quitting a paying job that has the kind of flexibility that this one has seems downright irresponsible.  But, if I am slowly plummeting with a defective parachute...shouldn't I do something about it?

That's why I love having a Coach.  She pushes me and makes me answer the tough questions.  She makes me say out-loud what is stopping me from making a change right now.  She asks me how I am ever going to find myself if I am busy having mini-meltdowns.  She gives me homework.

1.  Identify what fear is keeping me from quitting this job.  And, yes, fear is what generally keeps us from doing what we want to do.

2.  Visualize what I want my day to day life to look like.  I'm good at the grandiose end-result, glorious fame type of visualization, but I have a tendency to overlook the meat of the journey.

3.  Get more clear about what this journey/quest really means.  How do I plan to make this part of my identity (important for me but not necessary for everyone)?  What is it that I intend to gain from this exercise?

Good questions and even though it is just three, they are heavy.  And, she expects answers!

Note:  Find more information about my Coach on my Links page.